Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Sad Twist of Irony

Today was suppose to be the day we got our first glance of our 2nd baby.
The day we got to see our baby's heartbeat.
It was the day of our first sonogram.  
Instead we went to talk about the baby we lost.
Today was the first time I dreaded going to my doctor's office.
Before it's always been exciting because I was pregnant or had just delivered a beautiful baby girl.
Today was hard.  
It felt final.
Even though I held it together at the appointment, when I got in the car, the tears came as I listened to this song on the radio.  The words so appropriate. 
I'll praise you this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I'll praise you in this storm

The little girl that has brought a little sunshine to our darkness is this sweet girl. 
We are so thankful for her.  She has been such a trooper through it all always giving sweet smiles and hugs for her mama.  
I don't know how much I'll blog about our loss.  It's not that I am afraid of talking about it...I'm not.  It's that I don't want to focus on it all the time, especially when I have such a beautiful baby girl to spend my days with.  
Thank you for continuing to pray for us.  As Jeremy says "It's not something you can just get over in a day or two."  

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Our December

Our December has been full of ups and downs.
It started off amazing.  We celebrated our precious Mady's first birthday!  So exciting!  We love her so much and had so much fun celebrating her day.
3 days later, I found out I was pregnant.  I was so excited!  Jeremy and I had wanted to have another baby and loved that our two children would be about 20 months apart.  My due date was July 26th and I was super excited about having a summer baby so I could compare what it's like to have a summer and winter baby!  Plus all our children's birthdays wouldn't be together (much easier on the budget that way!)
We planned on surprising my parents and family on Christmas Eve that we were pregnant.  I had this adorable idea to take pictures of my niece, nephew, and Mady each holding a different letter of Mimi and Papa with the last i and a being a picture of the pregnancy test.  I had it all wrapped up ready to go.
But... God had different plans.
On December 23, I started having problems.  I didn't think anything of it though because I had my first prenatal appointment on the 22 and everything looked fine.  (They didn't do the sono though that day.)  I tried to put it out of my mind but on December 24th, before we headed down to Oklahoma, Jeremy took me to the ER because I was still bleeding.  At that point, I was supposedly 9 weeks along.  However, when they did the ultrasound, the baby was only measuring 4-5 weeks.  I held on to the slim hope that my due date was off but I knew deep down the baby wasn't doing well.  I had found out 3 weeks before I was pregnant and there was no way to know I was pregnant that soon.
The ER sent us on our way and we continued our trip to Oklahoma.  When we got there, I was in pain.  I tried to enjoy the time with my family but I was hurting.  2 hours later, we lost the baby.
After spending a wonderful few days with my family, Jeremy and I headed back home.  Reality set in on that trip and I cried a lot.  Jeremy was so patient with me.
We had a doc appointment scheduled for today but instead of going, I ended up getting the stomach flu.  Mady had it on Sunday night and shared it with her mom.  We will be going tomorrow Lord willing.
Please keep us in your prayers.
It doesn't matter how far a long I was or that I have a child already, a loss is a loss.   And it's hard.  Our sweet baby Angel was so wanted and loved.